just something short and sweet. enjoy CL
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Sometimes the feeling is there, but only sometimes and that makes me wonder if it’s real. Because how can something be real and true especially this, if it’s not constant? Isn’t its strength in its consistency? Or has all this staring at you upside down rotted my brain out? But it feels real. Does its tangible affect make it real or it’s it all the mind? It makes me wonder. It makes me wonder a lot of things, and you never thought I was much of a thinker. I’m not really. But this has been itching me, ever since your smell of foreign cigarettes and faint touches cause such a stirring in my brain. I’d like to ask you about things about this, but I’m too afraid. Too afraid that my questions would indite commitment and you would walk away. I’m afraid of questions and you’re afraid of commitment, such the pair we make. But the feeling is still there. It’s soft and warm, and makes my extremities tremble as it snakes up my skin and through my blood. It spoons me into a day dreamy aura, where nothing really maters unless it’s about you and me. Then it’s gone, before I can grasp hold and keep it. Before I can write down all the effects it causes. The shivering of my flesh, the goosebumps and the tranquility. I wish it would stay longer, but each time it flees and I feel empty. So perhaps this is real, perhaps it is fantasy, perhaps it is all in my mind. But only sometimes.
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140,561 Literary Works • 673,435 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well this in an interesting. Normally when a story is this short its incomplete, but this one quite clearly is as short as it is by design and that leaves this in an interesting situation because it not really trying to build a story per see but we've got almost a bit of an expression of an emotion happening here in this piece and it seems like some sort of description of this thing that's not explicitly mentioned but rather is indirectly referenced quite a few times.
I don't know if I quite managed to decipher what that somewhat hidden thing that's being reference happens to be, but this does do a pretty solid job in terms of really tapping into the emotions that we have as readers and getting through to us in terms of the moments its trying to hit here. It doesn't seem to be trying to do much and that works well in its favor here and we get a good sense of this person whose narrating this and what this is taking said person through here. On the whole, its a pretty simple piece that does its job well enough I think.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like this. I like that there is more of a focus on the words then who the character is. This is great I also really liked the flow and tone of this story. The mystery is great too. Keep up the good work.
You are really good. To put so much feeling into one little part. You didn't use sensory overload and you used real characters. Not the perfect *couldn't think of getting a pimple* pepole come up with.
For me, it was a little hard to read. I think more people would probably read it if you broke it up a little and made smaller chunks to help people get thier mind around it. Though I don't quite know where I would put the breaks. Other than that, it was over too soon, but it was really good.
Many people haven't critiqued this...I wonder why. I think you're a great writer and have great ideas. Too bad no one else has read this because I loved it. Especially your use of words. My only critique is that you post more! LOL
My absolutely favorite part was:
I hope I get to read more of your stories because so far everything I've read I loved.
Too afraid that my questions would indite commitment and you would walk away. I’m afraid of questions and you’re afraid of commitment, such the pair we make. But the feeling is still there. It’s soft and warm, and makes my extremities tremble as it snakes up my skin and through my blood.
I had a lot more, basically the whole paragraph was my favorite.